Legs in the air

Well I feel like I have spent a lot of time this weekend either having sex or laying in bed with my legs in the air. I haven't spent much time cleaning my house, which desperately needs it, or really doing anything productive. Oh well.

I am a little confused. The trigger shot allegedly makes you ovulate within 36-40 hours. So I should have ovulated roughly between 10:15 pm and 2:15 am last night. However, I have felt none of the ovulation symptoms that I thought I had around CD25 last time. My breasts refuse to be tender no matter how much I squeeze them, and hours of staring at my underwear has yielded nary a drop of CM.

So I figure this means:

1. I ovulated without any symptoms. A few queries to Dr. Google indicated that the trigger shot doesn't exactly give you a choice - you will ovulate shortly after receiving it.
2. Maybe I didn't ovulate last cycle, or at least not when I thought I did. Or else, maybe regular ovulation and ovulation w/the shot create different symptoms.

Anyway, I am trying not to worry over the lack of symptoms. My hubby tells me to trust science, Dr. Lovely, and the ovidrel instead of worrying about "witchcraft", aka reading the body for symptoms. lol.

Now I embark on my two week wait, and begin progesterone suppositories tonight!

Awkward Infertility Moments 101

"We'll come over around 6, you guys can order dinner, and we'll book our flights and watch Harry Potter 6."

"Okay! Sounds fun!"

"But we have to leave around 9:30 to get home."

"...."

"Doctor's orders."

A very good day, indeed

My appointment today went as well as it possibly could have. I had two follicles on my left big enough to trigger. I didn’t get the exact measurements because I was close to tears with relief just seeing them on the screen. Ever since Tuesday I’ve had a dull ache of anxiety, like when I have an impending job interview, and it all melted away.

I can’t explain my happiness and relief at this news. Two follicles and I’m getting ready to ovulate. We have been trying for 11 months and this is legitimately the first time I actually get to try. My first month off the pill I (foolishly) thought I was ovulating and I thought I was experiencing the 2WW, but I wasn’t. Same with the false positive OPK I got in April. But this time I know for sure that we have a chance to get pregnant this month. I am giddy with the gift that clomid has given me.

My lining was about 7.3 I believe, they said the like to see it a bit thicker than that but it’s not too bad. No evidence that the clomid has destroyed it yet.

I got my Ovidrel shot (hardly hurt at all), and a Rx for progesterone supplements (inserted vaginally twice a day for two weeks). I wasn’t surprised about that because I did have the short luteal phase last cycle (9 days). I’m so thankful that my new OBGYN takes these extra steps to provide me the best care possible. I feel certain that the last practice wouldn’t have taken the extra precaution with the progesterone.

This is also where all the blog reading comes in handy. If I hadn’t spent millions of hours reading stories about various infertility treatments, I would be scared and appalled by the thought of inserting pills in my vagina!! But I hardly blinked at the nurse.

All of the timing works out for intercourse 24, 36 and 48 hours post shot (10am Saturday, 10 pm Saturday, 10 am Sunday – it’s going to be like our honey moon again). I asked what day I could start taking HPTs at home. The nurse told me she would prefer if I didn’t – that I should wait for my period and call for a blood test if it doesn’t come. As she was talking I was thinking “Yeah right, crazy lady.” And as soon as we got out the door I told dear A “you know I’m still going to test at home, right?” and he laughed. Of course I am.

The pregnant ladies in the office couldn’t even damper my positivity today. I was bracing myself as we parked before the appointment and said something about the pregnant ladies in the waiting room. A looked at me and said “Give me a minute and I’ll go in and throw sheets over all of them. I’ll let you know when it’s clear.” That made me laugh harder than I’ve laughed in a long time. He’s the best.

I hope you all have a lovely weekend. Think of me while we’re humping like bunnies at home.

Take that, Polyanna

Almost immediately after I wrote yesterday’s post declaring my new, more optimistic outlook…it was tested brutally.

I was sitting in my cube, working (reading blogs), when I heard a coworker at his supervisor’s desk. I didn’t hear what he said but I heard his boss say “That’s so exciting! Congratulations!” My first thought was “well they’re in their 50s so at least this isn’t a pregnancy announcement”.

Well, not exactly. His daughter is pregnant. Then I heard him come around the corner to the cubes across from me and tell each co-worker individually the good news: “I’m going to be a grandpa!” (his daughter got married in June) “She’s due two days after their first anniversary.” (lucky fucks) “They weren’t trying, but they’re very excited.” (hmmmm must be nice)

The first few times I was fine, but by the time he got to the female co-workers I had heard this conversation 5 times, and then he pulled out the picture of the sonogram she had sent and I heard “Ohhh look I see the head…are those the little fingers?”

Still thinking I was okay, just mildly annoyed, I got up and went across the office to a co-worker’s desk who knows vaguely whats up (“we’re going through infertility treatments, I’m upset about it” is as specific as I have gotten with her). I told her “I can’t be around him anymore because I can’t hear about accidental pregnancies and adorable little sonograms.” Saying the word sonogram was enough to unleash the tears. I full out “ugly-cried” right there at her desk. Luckily I could surreptitiously gather my coat and purse and go out to the car to finish my crying.

I’m better now. It takes an hour or so for a pregnancy announcement to wear off, but in the moment it feels like multiple kicks to the stomach. Or like my heart is being stabbed with a screwdriver.

I don’t know why I have tended towards the depressive this week…maybe it’s the after-effects of the clomid, but I don’t think so. I have struggled with mild depression my whole life so I can’t exactly blame 100% of it on the hormones. I’m puzzled because I’m actually pretty positive about my appointment tomorrow and the progress of this cycle. So it seems odd for the crushing feelings of hopelessness and isolation to come now.

The world works in mysterious ways…

PS I’m doing that 30 posts in 30 days or NaNovWrWTF month or whatever it’s called. I’m too lazy to find the pretty badges and put them up, but I’m going to write every day this month. Lucky you. : )

Bitter is the new PCOS

I feel bad that my post was so negative yesterday. A 12 and an 11 follicle! I should be so happy about that! (my mind is screaming TWINS TWINS TWINS!!!) It’s way better than last time and signs are pointing towards ovulation this month, which seems like a minor miracle in and of itself. After 10 months of anovulation you would think I’d be jumping for joy that I have something growing on my ovaries at all besides a bunch of tiny cysts. But very quickly this positive outcome just becomes one more step on the path to being pregnant, which is an uncertainty. And I hate uncertainty.

And who I am to judge the pregnant people in the waiting room? Of course through the bitter, infertile glasses I was wearing at the time they were all super fertile and taking their pregnancies for granted. But of course not all of them are. Maybe one of them is even there after IVF and I have absolutely no right to begrudge her her pregnancy. Some day I hope to be sitting in that waiting room pregnant and I don’t want someone to resent me for being there.

I am trying to visualize my follicles growing. I figured out that 12mm is .47 of an inch and I’ve got a sketch of that in my head and sometimes I just focus on it growing and growing.

One thing that really helps through all this is reading other people’s tales of infertility. I’m especially grateful for a new blog friend, Drevas, who is on a very similar cycle to mine. We even have matching appointments on Friday!

After doing some googling yesterday I found some fun articles that you may enjoy:

Performance Anxiety at the Fertility Clinic – written by a man, about giving a semen sample while he and his wife were grappling with secondary infertility

The Father of Infertility -- this one made me cry. Written by a woman who lost her mother at a young age and learned to lean on her father for support during infertility.
Putting egg whites where the sun don't shine. Oh the crazy things we do to try to get pregnant!
Enjoy your reading!

12mm and 11mm

Appointment today went alright. I have a 12mm follicle on my left ovary and an 11mm one on my right. They don’t use the Ovidrel until they’re at least 18.5mm, ideally 20. I have another appointment on Friday morning to see if they’re growing…apparently they grow around 2mm a day. So 12 and 11 is better than nothing, I just hope they get bigger by Friday.

The u/t was extremely nice and gentle and she really took her time. She probably spent 10 minutes poking around, so I feel confident that she got a good look. She showed me the pictures.

I was really bummed leaving the office. I didn’t get bad news, but there were so many adorable pregnant women in the waiting room. One lady was there with her brand new baby and everyone was making a huge fuss. I felt like I might as well have been marked with a scarlet letter “I” for “Infertile” or “F” for “Freak of Nature”. Seriously, why is it so hard for some people to do this?

I’m feeling less depressed now, but still kind of blue. At least I’m not dead tired like I was yesterday!

Tired.

Extremely, extremely tired. Yesterday and today. Yesterday I blamed it on the partying, but seriously, I’m not that old that two drinks on Saturday night should make for an exhausted Monday.

I blame the clomid. I don’t know if that’s legit since I haven’t actually taken any in two days, but still. Clomid, it is all your fault.

I am so tired that I sat at my desk most of the day trying to decide how to spend my lunch break. At 2, I still had not taken a lunch. I walked out to my car, got in, and realized I was too tired to go anywhere. So I went back to work and decided I’ll take that 30 minutes some other time when I don’t feel miserable.

Appointment at 9:50 tomorrow. I have to remember to bring my Ovidrel with me. I thought about making myself a note, and then had a good laugh over the notion that I would forget about the appointment for a single second between now and then.

Or, I would have had a good laugh, had I not been so tired.