The way it once was

This may not be a big shocker to you all, but I'm not new to blogging. Since junior high, I have kept up some sort of online journal, back before blogs existed.

Since I had a conniption last night over TheBookofPregnantPeopleBeingShovedInYourFace (known to fertiles as Facebook), my sweet hubby changed my password so I'm not tempted to log on for a while. So I have been revisiting my old self via my LiveJournal account that I kept from 2004-2007.

I found a way to convert my journal into a .pdf (which is almost 400 pages) and have been reading my way through what seems like someone else's life. It's incredible how much I have changed since then.

Mainly, I'm realizing that what I thought of at the time as just bad body image is now, looking back, seriously disordered eating. (Oddly enough, I'm uglier and fatter now than I was then, but I like myself more, too. I credit yoga for this transformation. More on that another day.)

My journal is rarely introspective. Usually I just logged what I did that day, what friends I saw, if I hung out with my boyfriend at all, what I ate, if I exercised, if I felt fat that day or not (almost always yes), and what my weekend plans were. But it's fascinating in an anthropologic sense. My days were at once thrilling and tedious.

What will I think in seven years when I look back on this blog?

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It's interesting that infertility, which by its very nature forces you to wish your days away until you can finally emerge, panting but alive, on the other side, struck me at a time when I'm very much focused on trying to enjoy my life.

Looking back on high school, college, my engagement...I realize it all went by way too fast. And I'll never get those years back. Some days, I ache for them.

Years from now, I will look back on this time with the same sweet ache. I will remember infertility as painful, but I'll have children which will make it all seem worthwhile. I will wistfully remember sleeping in on weekends, entire evenings full of snuggling on the couch and reading. No big responsibilities. Margaritas on the weekends with my friends. Cruises to the Caribbean. Lots of quality time with my husband.

It struck me as I fell asleep last night: Infertility and its demons aside, I love my life. I am absolutely in love with my husband. I adore the home we picked out together. I like the small town we live in. I have a couple of really good friends, whom I treasure. I have two sweet dogs that I can always turn to when humans disappoint me. My parents are both loving and healthy. My sister is in college and has a bright future. My job is enjoyable, and I'll likely be promoted soon. Things are good.

This is not the life I would have imagined in 2004. But it is my life. I am determined to enjoy it more.

Infertility: 2, Me: 0

I am at the point where I can look back and name two friendships already killed by infertility.

One was with a co-worker, L. We used to hang out outside work and talk a lot during the work day. When I confided in her that I was diagnosed with PCOS and scared, she (who has a son with her boyfriend they accidentally conceived 3 weeks into their relationship) scoffed and said "I think you'll find it's much easier to get pregnant than you realize." Ouch, you clearly didn't listen to anything I have just said.

Last summer while I had just begun treatments and a dear friend of ours had a 5 year old daughter preparing for brain surgery, L seemed almost allergic to asking us how things were going for us, preferring to talk endlessly about herself and complain about her own (comparatively) trivial problems. We were both hurt by her actions. Her lack of compassion and understanding meant I really had no choice but to cut her out.

It has been since last July that I stopped considering her a friend. Knowing then that we had been TTC for six months, it still hurts sometimes that she never asks me how it's going or how I'm holding up.

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The other friendship was much deeper and it's apparent ending is causing me a lot of stress. I have written about this friend before, J. Up until about September, J and I were fine. I probably would have called her my best friend. We shared everything, talked on the phone a couple of times a week and emailed daily. She was with me through the first part of my treatments. But then, she and her husband started TTC and I just couldn't take it. She started confiding in me about their (heartbreakingly normal) TTC plans and it just killed me. I tried to explain it to her but she didn't understand, and I think at that point she decided to stop trying to understand.

Then, about a month ago when things were already really tense between us, she sent me an email telling me I should start going to church. She got pretty pushy about it, and I was extremely offended. I thought she understood that I grew up Catholic and I feel really uncomfortable there. That going back to church would require a change in religion which is hard for anyone at any point in their life, let alone right now. Most of all, I think, I was hurt that she thought I hadn't even considered church and that I didn't have good reasons for avoiding it.

I waited four days to respond. In my opinion, I politely refused and explained that I don't want to hear "This is God's plan" more than I already do. She was apparently irreversibly hurt by the way I rejected her suggestion. We have barely spoken since.

I am nervous that soon she will be telling me she's pregnant. I feel bad because it was a great friendship gone awkwardly bad. I feel guilty because I'm having surgery on Wednesday and she doesn't even know. And how am I supposed to tell her when things are so awful between us?

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So that's, two infertility. I don't have very many left. Please let me keep these.

Two big appointments

Laparoscopic surgery is scheduled for next Wednesday morning. Those of you who have had this done...any pointers?

Our appointment with the RE is Monday, May 23. Might as well be in 2015! Hopefully we won't need it, but it's comforting to have it on the books just in case.

Life is changing.

The weird vagina appt

(first of all, the weird vagina is fine. just a small, out-of-the-way septum. boy am I tired of hearing that "s" word.)
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I've been saying for a week that there was a meltdown coming around the bend. I wish I had been wrong.

It started in the waiting room. Since I still see an OBGYN, the waiting room was full of big, beautiful, pregnant bellies. The tears started then.

The nurse who checked me in saw I was distraught. She confided that it took her five years to get pregnant the first time. That's when the crying really started. I don't know what part of that she thought would comfort me. Four more years of this? I'll be catatonic.

I nervously brought up the septate vs. bicornuate uterus thing with Dr. Lovely. She told me that I was right, an HSG doesn't diagnose between the two. The diagnosis can only be made surgically, and they don't usually do surgery until "you start having problems".

This is really hard for me to stomach. If I have a septate uterus, the septum can be removed and everything will be fine. We all know that "having problems" is a code word for "miscarrying". I'm really not comfortable waiting for a poor baby to die needlessly to decide that we need to have surgery to find out what sort of fucked up my uterus is. I talked it over with A (through many tears) and he feels the same. We'd rather I go under the knife now.

A lady in my yoga class has a daughter with a septate uterus. Poor girl had three miscarriages, all in the fourth month, before she found out she had a septum. No thank you.

Think about it: say I get pregnant next month. Knowing what I know (that my uterus could be bicornuate or it could be septate) I'll be terrified for months. If I have surgery now, I'll know for sure, and if there's a septum, it can be removed. And if there's not a septum, I can't really look at it as pointless surgery. Because I'll know.

The other bit of information I learned is that I will be referred to an RE after my next IUI. In fact, they're referring me now since it takes months to get in.

It's expected that I'll get my RE consult in May. So I have February, March, and April and only one more treatment cycle with Dr. Lovely. Our plan now is to ask for laproscopic surgery as soon as possible, take Feb and March off, have our final IUI in April and hopefully never have to see the RE (he's three hours away, but has an excellent reputation).

I'm literally going to have to call the doctor's office and fight for my right to have my abdomen cut open, perhaps unnecessarily. My husband and I both feel that this is the correct decision to make. Have we both gone off the deep end?

I want my life back

Today I feel exhausted.

I feel sore all over and headachy. Three workouts in 2 days will do that to an out-of-shape-girl like me.

Overall, I just feel weighed down by my stress: stress over a February cycle, stress about the upcoming conversation with Dr. Lovely about my uterus, stress about my weird vagina. Stress about money. Just stress. Too much.

Today I took a wellness inventory for a program at work. One question asked “How do you feel about the next six months?” I picked this one: “I’m very stressed about the next six months. It’s going to be very difficult and I’m not sure how I will cope.” It was the most apt description. I can’t think of any other time in my life that those sentences would apply to me.

When did I become this person? I want my life back.

Weekend in review

Overall, this has been a really lovely weekend. Thank you all for your advice on my last post. Today we booked our excursions: snorkeling (all four of us), horseback riding (me and A, while the other couple does a bike ride), and a resort beach day (for me and my BFF)/history tour focused on pirates (for the guys). Eeeee! I can't tell you how excited I am for this cruise.

This weekend I joined a gym. I am thrilled. I haven't been a gym member since the end of '09, and it feels good. I used the elliptical yesterday and went to a Zumba class today. My BFF and her hubby (the ones we're traveling with) also belong so we went with them today. My goal is to go three times a week, but the absolute minimum is twice. I have no weight loss goals, I just want to feel better about myself.

This weekend I also had a mini panic attack about money. None of you know me in real life so I can admit all my sins here. A and I have about $5500 in credit card debt right now. This is too much for me. I am losing sleep over this amount. A large portion of that is this vacation, which we had planned to pay off with our tax return. However, it seems that we may not get a return this year, and in fact we may even owe. So you can see how upsetting that is. Another large portion is car repairs. We never have enough in savings to pay for major car repairs without wiping ourselves out, so we charge them. And we have bad luck with our cars.

To make matters worse, in January of 2009 we had $0 on credit cards, so all of this debt has been incurred in 2 years. It's seriously enough to make me hyperventilate.

So this morning I was losing sleep over it all so I got up and made a plan. This debt is spread out over three cards. I have a separate card I don't use that has an awesome balance transfer offer right now. So this week I'm going to transfer everything over and I'll have 0% interest till the end of the year. Then I'm going to get serious about putting money toward this debt!

I still have not cried about my BFN. Everything is stewing inside and will probably explode at the least convenient moment.

Coming up this week is my appt with Dr. Lovely to check out my weird vagina (that one's for you, Roccie). Thanks to the multiple suggestions I received here, I'll be inquiring about a bicornuate uterus vs. a septate uterus. This is another thing I'm losing sleep over.

I'm also waiting for my period to start. As soon as it does, I plan to give my drs office a phone call along the lines of "unless you are going to forbid me to travel if I get pregnant in February, I want another IUI." Heck yes!

Hope you all had a great weekend.

14 dpiui BFN and frustrated about the future

I called the Drs office today to talk to a nurse about my next cycle. I’m stressed. I want to book my cruise excursions this weekend, as the couple we’re traveling with are waiting on us and I feel bad about that. Plus, I just want things settled. It will help me move on from this cycle if I book them, because that has been the plan all along.

Of course the nurse (my least favorite one) refuses to admit that this cycle is a BFN. She says “those urine tests aren’t always accurate” (right, but BFN at 14 days is pretty clear) and “it’s not over till you start your period” (except I’m taking progesterone. *cough* dummy! *cough*). Whatever. So my question was, if we proceed with a February cycle, we’ll learn the result 7-10 days before we leave for our cruise. Is it okay to do horseback riding/snorkeling if you’re like three weeks pregnant?

Her advice was to take February off. That’s not what I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear that it was okay to proceed with February and for that early of a pregnancy it wouldn’t matter if the tiny baby got jostled during horseback riding. The cruise is in March so we’ll likely have to take March off. Taking February off, too, is too much time off.

I guess these are my options:

1) book my non-pregnant excursions now, take February and March off

2) book my pregnancy-friendly excursions, do a treatment in February, take March off (really don’t want to do this one because think of how upset I’ll be if February fails and I watch my friends do all the fun stuff I didn’t sign up for because I thought I’d be pregnant and I’m not)

3) call back once I start my period and bully the doctor’s office into letting me do a February cycle. Book the excursions later. Run the risk of the ones I want filling up. Completely annoy and inconvenience our traveling buddies

Sigh. I don’t like any of these options. I’m also annoyed at the nurse because she perpetuated that stupid myth that we’re going to get pregnant on vacation. Whatever. It’s bad enough hearing that from other people, let alone a medical professional. Maybe I’ll be surprised, but I have no facts to indicate I’ll ovulate without clomid, so I really highly doubt I’ll get pregnant on my own.

I REALLY want to go on this cruise but I REALLY want to keep going with treatment cycles. Why can’t I do both? Ugh, I am so frustrated.

Another BFN and a messed-up vag

First of all, I got another BFN this morning at 12 dpiui. I will probably skip testing tomorrow and test again on Friday (14dpiui) and then officially call it. But I definitely don’t expect anything out of this cycle except my period.

Now for the seriously TMI part; if you’re squeamish about the “female parts” just don’t read any further.

When I had my IUI done, the nurse noticed an extra piece of vaginal tissue. To put it bluntly, I have this kind of loop of skin down there which causes no problems unless, occasionally, a tampon gets stuck and then it’s very painful trying to remove it. This is something I have always known I have, but as no one ever mentioned it in all the times multiple different doctors have seen my hoo-ha, I thought it was normal.

Apparently the nurses go over all the IUIs with Dr. Lovely, and they mentioned this to her. Since I’ve never actually had a pelvic exam done with her, she wants me to come in for one next week. The nurse said something vaguely implying that this might cause me more problems with pregnancy.

I’m assuming she meant it would cause problems with a vaginal delivery. Which, honestly, I have kind of given up hope on considering the whole deformed uterus thing I’ve got going on. I’m hoping she doesn’t mean it could actually cause more problems getting pregnant.

Does anyone know anything about this? I consulted Dr. Google and didn’t find anything useful. Feel free to say “No, you’re just a freak with messed-up ovaries, a deformed uterus, and a funky vag.” My feelings won’t be hurt because, hey, it’s true!

11dpiui: BFN

Last night I had a dream that I took three separate pregnancy tests, and they were all positive. It was a very real dream. I woke up and felt like it was a sign.

It wasn't. The test was stark white. Not even a hint of a second line.

I know there is still a small glimmer of hope that it's too early. That's why I'm still taking the progesterone and I won't drink for a few more days. But emotionally, this cycle has already failed for me.

Although we have been TTC for 13 months now, this was only my second treatment cycle that gave me a real shot at getting pregnant. I guess it was foolish to think it would work on the second try. 

I don't know how you ladies endure the two week wait over and over again just to see those negative tests. The thought of doing this again is exhausting.

The February cycle is up in the air for now. If my period arrives when I'm expecting it, we will learn the outcome of a February cycle about a week before we leave on vacation, and we will have already booked all of our "NO PREGNANT WOMEN ALLOWED" excursions, so it's not very good timing. And there's also the matter of this cyst on my right ovary that has been bothering me. Maybe I'll be benched. 

There have been no tears yet. I know that there is an emotional breakdown coming soon. Stay tuned.

Ugh.

Guys. I am testing in the morning. 11dpiui. I can’t stand it anymore.

9 dpiui - a very slow weekend

My poor hubby. He's probably thanking his lucky stars that I go to work tomorrow. He is well past the "justifiable homicide" threshold.

I have been so hormonal that I have been alternately crying and yelling at the drop of a hat. On Saturday I suffered bone-crushing fatigue that turned me into a pathetic whiny-ass.

I would love to be optimistic and think that I'm lucky enough for these to be pregnancy hormones. Unfortunately, my gut feeling that I am not pregnant is sticking around. I think I'm just depressed.

The bright side is, I have started planning on horseback riding in the Bahamas in March.

Today A went to a birthday party for his cousin's baby (remember, this is the cousin who was going to start trying the same time we did? they now have a one year old. we are still not pregnant) I bowed out to spend the day with my mom, as her birthday was this past week.

A got home and told me it was a good thing I didn't go. He said there were babies everywhere. His friends were talking about their kids and then would look at him awkwardly, not sure how to include him in the conversation.

Yeah, I'm glad I didn't go.

Plan is still to test Wednesday, although I won't lie, the urge to test tomorrow is very strong. I'm fighting it. The worst thing about using first morning urine is that then...I have to go to work afterwards. Blech.

8dpiui and getting introspective

This morning A and I went to a pancake breakfast. We live in a small, sleepy bedroom community where almost everyone, including us, commutes to the Big City (haha). However, the town is big enough to have schools of its own, so that's where we found ourselves, eating pancakes, this morning.

It was weird being back in a school. And instead of seeing it through the lens of a student, I saw it through the lens of a parent. "Someday we'll probably come watch our kids sing in a Christmas program on that stage," I said to A. We walked past the library and I pictured our future children reading and working on homework (probably crying over math like we both did). We saw the row of lockers and I imagined the boyfriend/girlfriend drama that will inevitably play out for years to come.

What year will it be when we have a child in high school? What will we look like then? Will we have the same house? Our dogs will probably be gone. How healthy will our parents be? Will the year(s) of infertility still hurt with the same sharp pain or will they have faded to a dull ache? Will I be sitting in the same gym years from now and tenderly remember the woman I am now? What would future me, mother of high schoolers, say to current me?

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I have decided to test on Wednesday morning (12dpiui). I asked A if he thought that was a good plan and he said "If you actually make it till Wednesday I'll be very proud of you." I think I can make it.

Negative Nelly

Today is 7dpiui. That means I have survived the first half of the 2ww, and I really don’t even think I went that crazy. I have been busy at work and I’ve been shopping for stuff for our upcoming cruise, plus I’ve been reading like a madwoman. So I haven’t had too much time to sit around and think about whether or not it worked.

However, mid-morning yesterday, it hit me: a nagging feeling that this cycle didn’t work. I think this is based more in worry and self-protection and less in common sense. If it’s going to work, I haven’t even gotten to implantation yet, so of course I’m not expecting symptoms or anything. I just can’t explain it. I hoped it was a fleeting thing but this morning I woke up with the same feeling. It didn’t work.

I hate that I am so irrational. I wish I could just relax and stop thinking about it. It’s just that with a co-worker who’s approximately 10 weeks pregnant and an office full of fertile myrtles, I know that pregnancy is going to be the #1 topic of conversation around here for most of the year. And it would just be so much more pleasant if I could be involved.

I need to keep telling myself that my dad’s twin sister had similar problems to mine and got pregnant on her first IUI. I am going to try not to spend too much time dwelling on what it means that I’m having these feelings. I know they are ridiculous. Right?

5dpiui - 2ww ramblings

The weird thing about the two week wait is that you, the owner of the uterus in question, are entirely powerless.

If the egg is going to be fertilized, it has already happened. Nothing I did or didn’t do affected the outcome (so my last-minute panicked “I should have shaved my legs!” before the IUI was completely irrational, I know).

If the embryo is going to implant, it won’t be for a few more days. Again, I have no control over whether it implants or not. Of course I choose not to drink myself into a stupor or pick up a heroine habit during these two weeks, but empirically we know that it doesn’t really matter anyway. Drunks and druggies get pregnant all the time.

It takes an enormous amount of patience and faith to trust my body to do this. My body, which doesn’t ovulate on its own, is supposed to figure out how to get the egg fertilized and get it to stick in the right spot? It seems nearly impossible that it could happen. And the fact that when it does happen, it will be without any knowledge or participation on my part, just floors me. It makes more and more sense every day why people call babies “miracles”.

I just wish I had a part to play in the actual fertilization and implantation, the way I have a part to play in growing the follicles, ovulating, and inseminating. I wish I could offer some words of encouragement to my reproductive system (“You can do this, I believe in you, don’t let me down”). Or, if I can’t actively play a role, I wish there were some sort of window in my abdomen so I could peek in and see what’s going on in there.  

I know these are silly, unproductive thoughts. The two week wait makes me feel, at best, curious and at worst, helpless. I wish I was a person who believed “It’s all in God’s hands now,” but I don’t. I believe it’s all just random chance, and that’s hard for a control freak like me!

Poster child

Last night was the first meeting of the Resolve Peer-Led Support Group I’m trying to start. No one showed up, but I wasn’t really surprised by that. My fliers have only been up for two weeks and I figure it’ll take a few months to get the group off the ground.

I got to the location about 15 minutes early, got myself a drink, and tried to find a table near the door but not right next to anyone. I had made a tent card with the resolve logo, which just says “resolve” really big and underneath in tiny letters “The National Infertility Association”. My plan was to set the tent card up on my table, because people who had seen the flier would recognize the logo, but people who didn’t know what resolve was probably wouldn’t notice the words underneath. (My original plan was a giant poster board that said “INFERTILE PEOPLE OVER HERE”, but I nixed that one)

It was a lot scarier than I thought it would be. Even though realistically, no one was paying attention to me and wouldn’t be able to read the word “infertility” on the tent card, I just couldn’t bring myself to stand the tent card up like I had planned. Basically declaring myself to everyone there as infertile. To make matters worse, one of my husband’s friends was there and I was terrified he’d see me and come talk to me and ask what resolve was and I’d have to tell him the whole thing.

I settled for laying the tent card flat on the table in front of me. I figured people would still see it if they were looking for it.

I am pretty “out” about my infertility. The girls at work know what’s going on, my family knows, my closest friends know. So I didn’t expect it to be so hard to make myself the area poster child for infertility. I was almost relieved when no one showed up.

Maybe it will get a bit easier every time, and by the time people start attending the group, I’ll be more comfortable.

Eff you, PCOS.

(I know, I know, this post is all poor me. But I’m sure those of you with PCOS can relate)

Today I want to write about my acne. I’m having a hard time on the acne front. I had mild acne off and on through middle school and high school but was able to successfully treat it with antibiotics. My acne is 100% hormonal, so topical and drug store products such as Proactiv have never been effective. Pills are the way to go.

Throughout college, I was on my parent’s insurance so I took Yasmin, the mother of all BCP, and my face was impeccably clear. All the time. Shortly after graduation, I got a job that didn’t offer benefits so I needed private insurance. I paid $50 a month for a generic BCP, which sent my acne spiraling out of control.

A few months before we started TTC, I broke down and paid out of pocket to go to the dermatologist. She put me on medicine that actually started helping. I had clear skin. It was miraculous.

Then (dun dun duhhhhh) we started TTC so I couldn’t take those pills anymore. Since then I have alternated between different antibiotic creams and gels that are pregnancy-safe, and while they might help a bit, my acne is deplorable.  

My horrible complexion, coupled with a few pounds I gained in 2010 and the fact that my PCOS symptoms are out of control since I’ve been off BCP for over a year now, is really ruining my self-esteem. I hate photos of myself. I hate sitting under a lamp at a restaurant, or sitting to close to someone, or (horror of horrors) sitting outside in the sunlight with friends. I find myself drifting off when talking to friends and envying their clear skin. It’s pathetic.

Yesterday, I was home alone and we had no groceries, but I was so disgusted by my face that I didn’t even want to go out in public. I ate a plate of frozen tater tots for lunch instead of going to the store. Saturday, we wanted to “do the deed” in the morning to make the most of my ovulation. I woke up and snuck into the shower and downstairs to put on makeup because I couldn’t stand the thought of A looking at my gross face as it was. I am dreading the photos from my upcoming cruise, knowing that they will all need to be retouched before they’re facebook ready, and even then, I will look bad.

And I know there’s no chance of this improving soon, because it may be months longer till I get pregnant, and then 9 months of pregnancy plus hopefully some months of breastfeeding before I can go back on the drugs.

It’s enough that PCOS makes having a baby feel next-to-impossible sometimes. Why does it have to make me so ugly too?

2dpiui - some randomness to report

Either my body is depleted by the efforts it took to fertilize an egg (positivity!), or I'm getting a cold. I have been exhausted this weekend.

After the IUI I came home and had dinner, then settled in with my book, thinking fertilizing-ish thoughs. I was asleep on the couch by 8:30 PM. Yesterday I woke up feeling hungover (even though I clearly didn't drink). Same thing today. I feel so tired, worn out, exhausted. Maybe I'm just crashing from the emotional jitteriness I was experiencing all week.

You know what I didn't mention in my post on Friday was that the nurses thoroughly confused me right before the procedure. They started talking about the "pellet" and other words I'd never heard of, which surprised me because I'd read so much about insemination that I thought I knew the procedure. I don't even remember what they said about the pellet because I was too busy thinking "what the hell are you talking about?"

I have to say that I hate progesterone suppositories. Of all the components of this cycle (constant monitoring with the dildocam, clomid, metformin, the trigger shot, the insemination itself), by FAR the worst part is going to be two long weeks of stupid progesterone and waiting. Whiny, I know, and nothing compared to IUI w/injectables or IVF, but seriously. I hate those things.

You guys should have seen the look on A's face five minutes after the IUI when I looked at him and asked "When do you think I should start testing?" LOL. Forgive me, but I really want to know if I'll be going on historical walking tours or horseback riding excursions on our cruise in two months : )

Thanks for playing along at home, ladies.

IUI #1 (hopefully the only one) - complete

The IUI went off without a hitch. I now have 83 million of my hubby's sperm inside me. Let's hope at least one of them decides to cooperate.

I really can't believe I'm here. I had refused to let myself get excited about this cycle because I knew we had hurdles to jump before we got here. The HSG had to be okay, I had to respond well to the clomid, A's sperm had to be above average, etc etc etc.

Somehow, we arrived here and I'm starting to feel.......hopeful.

Let the two week wait begin!

Twinginess (it's a word people)

All throughout the evening there was definitely activity going on in my right ovary. This is the first time through our TTC journey that I have been able to point to my abdomen and say “My ovary is right HERE, because I feel it in there kicking and fussing.” It was pretty cool. There was no pain, just some strong twinginess. Definitely not gas, and definitely not mental. It’s quiet this morning.

I’m not sure if this is ovulation related or because the trigger shot is doing something to the giant paraovarian cyst on that side. The left side has been keeping quiet. They gave me the injection on the right side of my belly, but I’m sure that doesn’t have anything to do with it.

I didn’t feel anything like this the last time I had Ovidrel. In fact, the last time I didn’t feel a single thing after the shot -- nada. I’m hoping for some tender breasts this time or something. I’ve briefly wondered if zero side effects from the shot means I’ll have zero symptoms during early pregnancy, since it’s the same hormone. Only time will tell.

T minus 7 hours till insemination.  I am trying to figure out what to bring with us for the 30 minutes I have to lie on my back afterwards. It seems like we should do something together. I don’t want to possibly conceive our baby and then sit around with our noses buried in separate books. And I don’t want to spend 30 minutes talking about if it did or didn’t work. I think I’ll bring my laptop and my Arrested Development DVDs and watch an episode in the office. : )

Let’s hope all goes well with A’s sperm. I know he’s very anxious and I’m thinking about him this morning!

EDIT: I just ate two donuts and drank an apple juice...on top of the breakfast I had already eaten. I'm celebrating, damnit!

Excuse me while I go all multiple personality on you

We triggered today! CD17 and I have a follicle on each ovary: one 20 mm and one 22 mm. Thank you thank you thank you ovaries!

IUI is scheduled for 4 pm tomorrow. I’ll be honest: I am extremely worried. A goes in at 12:45 to “collect” at Dr. Lovely’s office. Here are the facts running through my head:

• On November 24, A had an SA at Dr. Lovely’s office. He collected at home and drove the sample in (about 30 minutes). All of his sperm were dead, or 0% motility.
• On December 1, A had another SA done at Dr. Lovely’s office. He collected at home and we wrapped the sample in a fleece hat that had been spinning in the dryer to keep it warm for the drive in. All of his sperm were dead.
• On December 10 A had his third SA done (poor guy) at the hospital. He collected there. Everything was fine.

No one can account for the difference in results. The only two variables that changed for the good SA were 1) it was done at the hospital and not at Dr. Lovely’s and 2) he collected at the office instead of at home. This will be collected at Dr. Lovely’s office.

I am trying to tell myself that there’s nothing I can do to control this. Even if something does go wrong and he has dead sperm or something in the sample looks bad, we can convert this to an intercourse cycle extremely easily. So there’s a back up plan.

I am just scared that while they do all their warming and centrifuging and washing, etc, his little guys aren’t going to make it. I don’t want to deal with that news. It won’t be the end of the world but it will be very disappointing.

Actually, writing this post made me feel a lot better. The consequences aren’t actually that bad if something goes wrong, when I stop to think about it. I love this blog!

So, overall…yay trigger day!

CD 15 follicle report

Everything is still too small to trigger, but I have a juicy follicle on each ovary, both right around 16 mm (twins! twice the chance it will work! thank you ovaries!).

I go back on Thursday and assuming they keep growing, we’ll trigger and have the IUI on Friday, late morning or early afternoon. So I’ll probably come in to work Friday morning and take the rest of the day off after the IUI. It works out perfectly. I have no plans this weekend so I can just lie around getting pregnant!

We have been abstaining since my 12/31 scan. Dr. Lovely (I got to see her! More on that later) said to have intercourse tonight because she doesn’t want A abstaining for 7 days. Apparently that’s worse than only having 2.5-3 days worth of sperm. So I’m a bit nervous about that since we had so many sperm issues with him. It would have been nicer if it worked out to an even 5 days or so right before the IUI, but that’s not the case and it’s out of my hands.

Overall, I’m very happy with the way this is working out.

I did ask to see Dr. Lovely. I haven’t seen her since my initial consultation in November, and I deal exclusively with her nurses (over the phone) and her ultrasound techs who monitor my cycles. They run everything past her, but really they run the ship. This is probably very different from going to an RE, but I don’t mind it. Dr. Lovely has really incredible, sensitive, and supportive staff, unlike my last OBGYN whose staff was incompetent. They deal with a lot of infertility and PCOS and they know all the right things to say.

I was still freaking out about the bicornuate uterus and I wanted to talk to the doctor. She repeated the higher chance of miscarriage and pre-term labor, but overall said to stop worrying. She has two patients right now with that problem -- one delivered a bit early but was fine, one had to go on bed rest to stop pre-term labor but is now at 32 weeks and fine. The baby is breech and she’ll have to have a c-section, but no biggie. (the funny thing is, I think I actually know who she’s talking about, creepy huh?)

Most importantly, she told me to ignore any statistics on the internet (huge sigh of relief).

And, while I was there, I saw all the fliers sitting out for my Resolve support group, which starts next week! Hoorays all around.

repeat after me: what doesn't kill us makes us stronger (right kids?)

A girl at work, let's call her Annie, is pregnant. She and her boyfriend have been living together for a few years. She came into work this morning showing off her beautiful new engagement ring -- he proposed on NYE -- and then at the end of the day told me she was pregnant. Holy shit! Spread out your good news, don't give it to me all at once!

No but seriously she is a great girl. I honestly can say I am happy for her and I know she'll be a good mom.

I also really respect the way she told me. She knows a vague tiny bit about my circumstances. She pulled me aside and told me first because she didn't want me to find out as part of the group. First she just looked at me like she had something to say and couldn't say it, but I knew what it was because I thought I had overheard a friend saying the word "sonogram" at her desk earlier. Then she told me and started crying.
I gave her a hug and we took a little walk.

I am not happy about the fact that I have to go into work every day for the next 8 months and witness her pregnancy as it runs its course. But I know that she will handle our awkward situation as tactfully and considerately as she can. And that will make the imminent sonograms, name discussions, boy/girl discoveries, office baby showers, etc much more bearable.

I was so desperate for the people at work to know that I CAN HANDLE THIS, that I made some crappy awkward comment that made my boss think for a moment that I was pregnant, too. So then I had to stand there and say no, I'm not pregnant. Goddamnit.

Annie said that she really admires me and A seeking treatment. She said she knows it must be hard. Apparently her future-sister-in-law has been trying for three years but won't go to the doctor to see what's wrong. I guess when Annie told her she was pregnant she wouldn't even look at her and she said something about how disgusted she is. TTC for 3 years is enough to make anyone callous and crazy, but seriously, go to the goddamn doctor.

So after work I cried to my husband, then I got pissed at him and hung up on him (because he told me to -- you guessed it -- BE POSITIVE!). Then I cried to my mom. Then I cried in the bathroom before yoga class. Then I cried a little at the end of yoga class. Then I got home and REALLY cried to A, and we made up.

Now I think I'm done crying.

Follie check tomorrow morning. Trigger shot???

scared shitless

It has been a couple of days and I am still worried about the heart-shaped uterus diagnosis. I am going back and forth between panicking and thinking everything will be just fine. Of course there’s no way to know either way, but that doesn’t keep me from obsessing over it, right?

I actually have done very little googling. All I have read is this Wikipedia page. It scared me to my bones when I read this sentence:

Recurrent pregnancy loss: the reproductive potential of a bicornuate uterus is usually measured by live birth rate (also called fetal survival rate). This rate is estimated around 63% for a bicornuate uterus.^[3]

WHAT?

I need advice.

this pretty much says it all.

(image source)